Tag Archives: Curb Your Enthusiasm

That’s DR. Shaquille O’Neal To You Mister…

15 May

Sports news is farthest from the epicenter of my radar, so I was late in hearing the word about Shaq. On Saturday May 5, O’Neal received his Doctoral in Education from Florida’s Barry University. The Huffington Post reports: “The former All-Star and MVP earned a cumulative GPA of 3.813 while completing 54 credit hours at Barry, mostly through online courses and video conferencing over the last four years. O’Neal’s doctoral capstone project explored how CEOs and business leaders use humor in the workplace.” L’Chaim, Dr. Shaq!

I don’t know about you, but I’m inspired. Like business leaders and CEOs, I enjoy using humor in the workplace. But what sort of humor will Shaq employ in the classroom, now that he has been sanctioned to guide the next generation of intellectuals? In honor of his recent inauguration into educational doctordom, let’s revisit a sampling of his most famous quotes and evaluate just what sort of professor O’Neal will make.

On Existentialism (and Kobe Bryant), “In the seven or eight years we were together, we were never together.”

And, “My personal opinion is, how, if you never hung out with somebody, do you know them so well? I never hung out with that dude because the dude is a weirdo.”

On mathematics, “If you go 72-11 and don’t win (the championship), it doesn’t mean anything. Actually it does. It means you’ve cheated and played an extra regular-season game.”

And, “Our offense is like the Pythagorean Theorem. There is no answer”

On leadership/dictatorship, “As a general, and as a leader of this team, whatever I’ve got to do get my guys going I’ll do it every time. If I have to be the bad guy sometime, I’ll guess I’ll take that.

Also, “That’s what a leader and a general and a chief of police does. Everybody is not going to like it, but I don’t care if they like or not. I’m Bush, so if they don’t like it, resign.”

On public relations, “For all my friends in the media who like quotes, mark this quote down. From this day on I’d like to be known as ‘The Big Aristotle’ because Aristotle once said, ‘Excellence is not a singular act; it’s a habit. You are what you repeatedly do.’”

On literary devices and historic references, “All this heaviness does not mean that I’m a monk. I’m an unorthodox type of guy, a funny guy—at least I think I’m funny. And one of the things I like to do is come up with nicknames for myself.”

And, “If I were a painter, you’d be calling me Shaqcasso.”

Also.. “The Big Cactus…because if you come too close, you’re gonna get stuck.” (Referring to his first new nickname as a Phoenix Sun.)

On the cinematic arts, “REPORTER: Favorite movie all-time besides Kazaam?
SHAQ: Kazaam 2. Hasn’t been shot yet.
REPORTER: Can we look for that coming to a theater near us?
SHAQ: Yes, it’ll be out in 2038.
REPORTER: I look forward to the release of Kazaam 2.
SHAQ: Yes, 2039. I just talked to the producer. I thought it was ‘38…2039.”

Looks like this Funny TNT Commercial was more prophetic than even the people who know drama were aware of. Now Dr. Shaq can start teaching America’s youth phrases like, “Don’t Fake the Funk on a Nasty Dunk.”

UPDATE

Since initially writing this piece, I’ve been informed Dr. Shaq is also a Sheriff’s Deputy. What can’t this man do? He’s unflappable. Also, that explains this Shaq quote I previously thought was some sort of joke:

“Me having a beautiful wife and great family and friends around me, all the money I’ve got, all the things that I’ve got, a Ferrari that I just ripped the top off of and turned into a convertible, the rings I got, the two mansions on the water, a master’s in criminal justice, I’m a cop, plus I look good. So me shooting 40 percent at the foul line is just God’s way of saying that nobody’s perfect. If I shot 90 percent from the line, it just wouldn’t be right.”

It’s official, now there’s only one way to take down this accomplished giant.